I will assume that I have found some wish granting magical best, who is not evil and does not tend to misconstrue any wishes that I make. For the sake of my blog, it has agreed to offer me ten wishes.
1. I wish that my friends, family, and me would all be physically and mentally healed. This would include both physical ailments, mental illnesses, PTSD, and dental problems (all the way to getting a full, healthy, new, set of teeth.).
2. I wish for an end to the near-Third World poverty in which I lived most of my life. This is beginning to become a crushing weight, making it feel difficult to complete the most basic task that includes money; and saving money has become a joke, without a punch line.
3. I wish that all of our things were cleaned, sorted, and packed; so I could move when the opportunity arises. Which should be just about ...
4. I wish that I were moved, and I wish that Mama & Don were moved. I wish that I just had a little, safe apartment somewhere for me and Bella, where I wouldn't have to hear ridiculous criticism or live in close quarters with others. I wish Mama & Don would have a great apartment too, and I wish that it was walking distance from mine, so Bella and I could visit. I'm not asking much. I just want it to be so much better than it has been in the last year.
5. I wish that Bella didn't have to live with all the fear she does from the abuse she received. I wish she could spend some time alone without getting so panicked that she gets physically ill. I wish she could go in the kitchen without being afraid she'll get in trouble. I wish she didn't go into a panic attack when she heard a loud noise. I wish she didn't feel terror at the idea of being put in a carrier. It isn't something that bothers me, except that I know how hard it is for her. I wish she didn't have to be so scared all of the time.
6. I wish I was not so insecure and locked in position and could actually just write and draw. I spend inordinate amounts of time, thinking about things that I would like to write, things I'd like to draw. Then, I dry to write or draw, and that's as far as I get. I'm so tired of feeling like this.
7. I wish that I would find someone that loved me, not despite me, but because of me. I'm getting tired of that "there's someone for everyone" line and beginning to think that it's just another line that pathetic, lonely people say to feel less pathetic and lonely.
8. I wish I understood people better. I can't count the number of people I've had in my life that pretended to like me and pretended to care about me, who eventually turned one me. I know, I am not perfect, and I understand that others are not either, but what does it say when it happens over and over again? I have even asked during the good times what the problem is, and they'll tell me there is no problem. Then, there's a problem. Finally, after the problem has resolved for them (usually after I'm treated like crap), they want to ask like we're friends again, like nothing happened. Do they have some kind of amnesiac disorder, or do they feel that as long as their needs are met, that's all that matter? I don't get it. I'm getting sick of it, and it is making it difficult to trust I, including myself.
9. I wish I trusted God. I love God with all of my being, and I do feel that he has set up a future for me, but as much as I try beyond that, I can't trust him anymore. This started around January to February this year, and I've been trying to change it, but I don't know what to do. I feel most of the time like life sets me up to pretend like things are going to work out, and just as I start to believe it and reach out for that promise, I get kicked in the teeth. It has happened on small, medium, large levels ... I'm starting to become afraid to reach for that promise, because I'm tired of getting kicked in the teeth. It's much like I mentioned on Facebook earlier. I feel like I'm suffering that punishment in Hades where you are charged to fill a basin, but all you have to do the job is a well at the bottom of a hill and a leaky bucket. I don't like being here, and I don't know how to get out.
10. I wish I didn't feel as if all of these wishes were granted, it would just be a set up for something worse to happen. I am not trying to get attention or to be cynical or to be anything else. I'm just saying, I feel like the only reason any of these things would be given would be to put me into a false sense of security, so something worse could happen. I guess, this probably goes back to #9 mixed in with repeated emotional abuse from people that I thought I could trust.
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