01. I do not want to die in Hagerstown. I hate it here. The only thing I really like about Hagerstown is my therapist and a few friends that I have in the area. So, due to this horrible fear that I am going to die in Hagerstown, I would like to say, if I do die in Hagerstown, if you have ever had any love for me, do not let my final resting place be in Hagerstown. I don’t care what you do with me or where you take me. Just don’t let it be in Hagerstown. Bury me in Quebec; sink me in the Indian Ocean; donate me to the Body Farm; stuff me in the trunk of a junkyard car. I really do not care, as long as you don’t leave me in Hagerstown.
.02 The only thing I feel as strongly about as not being left in Hagerstown (and seriously, don’t leave me in Hagerstown) is do not let them embalm me. I am fine with allowing someone to put weird makeup on me that make all of the mourners say things like, “It doesn’t even look like her”, but anything beyond that I do not want. I won’t go into the specifics on why I don’t want to be embalmed, because the details can be very grisly. However, I will say that a dead body’s natural purpose is to rot and go back to being a part of nature. It is not intended to be preserved like the end of harvest fruit. Not only do I not want to be embalmed in any way, I do not want to be stuffed into a sealed casket or a vault. I want a cheap, wooden coffin that will fall apart as fast as my body will. You can even put me in a big cardboard box. I just don’t want to be put in Tupperware for the dead. To repeat, I want my body to rapidly break down and return to the Earth, until there is nothing left but some dusty bones.
If it becomes a big deal about preservation and hermetically sealing me, just don’t bury me. My first choice for alternate disposal would be to donate my body. I would like to donate it to science for one of the diseases from which I suffer, but there is a high likelihood that I will have some liver complications (at least), and they won’t let you donate if you have jaundice. If this arises, then donate my body to the Body Farm. At least, there it will do some good. Just make sure they don’t put me in a casket or vault when they’re done.
My first second would be to bury me at sea, but I’m not sure if they let you do this anymore. My third choice would burial by air, but I know they don’t let you do that anymore. If all else fails, just cremate me. It’s not something that I would like, but it is better than the above option of preservation.
03. I do not want everyone to sit around crying and somber. I would rather everyone just have a party with food and alcohol where they all get drunk and talk about their memories of me. Foods involving cheese and drinks involving tequila are encouraged, in my memory. Everyone has a good time, and I am remembered, which is significantly better than sitting in a parlor, politely weeping.
04. Don’t pipe in canned “funeral music”. Just play the music I enjoyed in life. Some people may find it inappropriate to play things like The Sisters of Mercy, Creature Feature (I’d recommend “Grave Robber At Large”.), and The Cherry Poppin’ Daddies; but it shouldn’t be about what a bunch of stuffy so-and-sos think is proper to a proper funeral. It’s about me, and it should be about what I loved in life.
05. As I have heard told of some funerals, do not stick me in someone else’s conservative dress, because my clothes are not acceptable – and once again, proper – for a burial. I picked my clothes, because I like them; and I don’t want to be stuck in something I don’t like; because someone else is more comfortable with it. I am fine with being buried in a Sisters of Mercy t-shirt and jeans, since that is what I am known to wear in life.
06. Unless I know your child and have a relationship with your child, do not bring your child to a funeral. There’s nothing like sitting there, trying to grieve your loved one and having a child loudly proclaiming that they are bored and want to go. I’m not talking about your twelve year old or you’re teen. I’m talking about those little kids that don’t understand what is going on or don’t understand how to act with decency.
07. Don’t feel obligated to have a service in the funeral home and spend the extra money. Just have a graveside service and then off to the party.
08. If you aren’t worried about the money, and I am being buried, I don’t want one of those flat “they’re easier to mow the grass around” plaque tombstones. I love those ornate, beautifully carved, detailed, old style tombstones that look more like named sculptures than markers. My favorite was a marker that looked like a gnarled, vine wrapped tree stump with an open book atop it. The book contained the information for the dead and a favorite Bible quote. Less expensive but just as adored by me is the tall, thin classic tombstone with a carved character at the top (an angel, a hand pointing up, etc.), the information of the dead, and an epitaph. But that requires you coming up with an epitaph. Good luck.
09. Though I love the idea of having a huge flower filled funeral, I know that it is ultimately a waste; because there’s no real purpose for those beautiful flowers once the service Is over. Instead, donate the money that you would have used for flowers to a charity that protects and rescues animals.
If you must have flowers, make it one of those ceremonies where the mourner’s line up and place a single flower in memory on an altar or on the casket. It’s symbolic, allows the mourner to honor the dead and acknowledges their grief, and it is less expensive and provides less waste than sending large bouquets.
10. If you do have a funeral other than graveside, try to find a gorgeous, church – the kind with a bell tower- and gargoyles. Make sure all mourners wear all black. This is because I love black and because it makes a more uniform appearance of grief through the pews. Women will gain extra appreciation if they wear veils. Once the preacher has had his say, allow the mourners to say their peace. Dramatic gesticulations and wailing of the most unnatural kind are to be encouraged. Spontaneous synchronized dancing is required. Feel free to take dancing classes in preparation for the service.
If you would like to put up one of those collages of photographs, please make sure they are not photographs that would be embarrassing to me or to those I love. No photo shopped pictures of me pole dancing, no pictures of me eating giant burgers that have covered my hands with goop (However, those with cheeseburgers are acceptable, since it involves me eating cheese.), etc.
Leaving the church, my casket should be carried to a vintage hearse (bonus appreciation if you use a classic funeral carriage pulled by black horses) by pall bearers dressed in Victorian mourning guard. Andrew Eldritch should be invited to take part in this. Should he accept, he is allowed to forgo the all black rule, if he wears one of those lovely white suits.
I would like to be buried with one of those outdated and probably useless devices made to signal the public if a person were buried alive. First, I think they are very cool, and I just like the idea of having one, especially with it being very archaic. Also, just in case I am buried alive or Superboy punches reality again, I’d like to have an easy method to notify people that I’m alive. Besides, I doubt I have the skill to dig myself out alone, because no one will give me the training given to Jason Todd. Selfish bastards.
Isn't the embalming a law? Unless you die in some hillbillie backwood where they would bury ya with grandaddy?
ReplyDeleteI too am all in favor of wailing and (being Italian) the throwing of oneself across the coffin.
And yes. No small kids. My bbf's grandmother passed and there were kids at the service. Running around the coffin. And POKING THE BODY!It was awful.
I would have had to snatch up one of those kids and deliver a spanking to act as a cautionary tale for the rest of them. Then's there's that whole getting arrested thing that doesn't make for a nice funeral either.
ReplyDeleteThere are some religions that don't allow embalming, so they can't legally require it. As well, prisoners with no family are still buried in those wooden crates. It's possible to get it worked out, but people seem to tantrum a lot about having it done their way.